I'm a crier. I cry when I'm upset, I cry when I'm frustrated, I cry when I'm mad, I'm a crier. I cry at weddings, baptisms, hallmark commercials, when hearing a birth story, watching Extreme Home Makeover, chick flicks, you name it. I even fought back tears at a dance recital some of my students were in because I started thinking how proud their moms must be.
However, I've never really gotten emotional about my kids growing up, until recently. I didn't cry on their first birthday, or any other birthday because I'm truly excited for them to experience the next stage in life. And every age seems to get better and better, so I love watching them grow and develop into little people. I did cry when i brought my kids to daycare the very first time, but I didn't cry when Rylan started preschool because I knew he would love it. Kindergarten this year was different though. I totally didn't expect to cry, but I had to fight back the tears as I was saying goodbye to him. It was a realization that he's becoming more independent and he doesn't need me as much anymore, and that hit me like a ton of bricks.
As I brought him to his class that first morning, there was obviously a lot of activity going on in the Kindergarten hallway. When we got to his room, the teacher asked his name, shuffled him in, and sent him over to the red group. She really didn't even acknowledge that I was there and I had to chase Rylan down in the classroom to get a hug. As I was giving him my "morning mom reminders" (make good choices, listen to your teacher and have fun) my eyes unexpectedly started to well up. I wanted to grab him, hold him close and blubber like a baby, but I didn't. I smiled even bigger and told him I loved him and that I knew he would have a great day. It was in the comfort of my car behind my sunglasses that I let the tears flow. My sweet baby boy, (who I'm pretty sure I just gave birth to last year) is off to Kindergarten, starting his academic career. I'm so proud of the little boy he has become, but now that I'm a stay-at-home-mom, I want him home with me. (Yeah, I know, ask me when he's having a tantrum and I'll have changed my mind.) I want to keep him sweet and innocent forever, keep him from getting hurt, and keep him naive to the bad stuff that goes on in this world. I want to keep hearing from him, "Mommy, I'm going to give you a whole bunch of awards because you're mine best mommy in the whole earth!" (he told me this tonight.) I just love that munchkin so much; beyond words. But I know I can't protect him from everything, but I will do my best to prepare him for life and be there to help him through it all.
It was easier to bring Mackenzie to preschool for her first day because she only goes in the mornings, four days a week. So I still get to spend some one on one time with her. And I can't tell you how much I love that time! She is so sweet one on one and I love it because I've never really gotten time like this with her. So I didn't cry on her first day of preschool, but come Kindergarten in a couple years, all bets are off. For now, she can still be my baby, but there's no denying that Rylan is definitely NOT a baby.
It has been a little harder though lately watching them grow up. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I'm not working anymore. I'm able to slow down and enjoy the little things and now I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get to this point. Obviously hindsight is 20/20, and if I hadn't been working before, I probably wouldn't truly appreciate being home. So I have no regrets, and I'm sure glad I now get this opportunity to be the one who brings them to school and picks them up everyday. I'm able to devote 3pm-5pm just to play time with them, and I love that.
I wish I could stop my children from growing so fast (my aging could slow down too) but I can't, so I try to take each day as it comes and enjoy all the moments with my "babies". Even the frustrating ones. :) Like this afternoon when Mackenzie had a fit about not having purple cookies in the house to eat. I had to laugh at her while she was crying, because seriously, she was crying about that? Oh boy, she is drama!